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COUPLES Porn--Doesn't Exist
Porn is categorized in many ways, but some of it is targeted at couples. When you see the term, Couples, it doesn't mean that the action is toned down or softened in any way. What it means is that they've thrown a plot and some nice lighting on top of all the hardcore, nasty sex. Here's how porn marketers think: Joe Average talks his wife, Jane, into going with him to the adult video store. Mr and Mrs Average scan the "Couples" section of the store, and a beautifully photographed cover catches Jane's eye. The title is clever and intriguing, too. She flips the DVD cover over and sees a collection of beautiful women in various states of undress, in various sexual poses, and she reads the synopsis of the plot. Jane whispers to Joe that she thinks it sounds pretty good, hands him the case, and he goes to the counter to pay for it. Mr and Mrs Average get home, lock the bedroom door, get comfy and pop in their "Couples" DVD. Jane immediately notices that the movie looks cheap. That's because it was shot on video, and the pictures on the cover were shot on film. Then she notices that the performers never wear the costumes they did on the cover, and that the actor whose abs had looked so sexy is actually an ogre once the camera pans up to his face. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue is painful, and the "plot" makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Meanwhile, Jane's hubby Joe is totally getting off on all the hot ass-fucking. Sound familiar? Couples porn is a marketing strategy, period. That's the whole strategy--fooling women. This doesn't mean you shouldn't shop in the Couples section. It just means that you need to do your homework here first. You need to learn the names of some performers and what to expect from them before you go shopping. You need to know certain porno terms. And you need to know where to shop.
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So-Called "Couples" Porn
Not a bad movie, but NOT what it seems. The hot stud on the cover? He's not even in the movie. The only hot stud in the movie? He's an aggressive, dominant ass-hound. The movie's actual male lead? Not even pictured, and he looks like Howdy Doody. |
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You want a plot?
The Features section is for you, if you need a story to get into the sex. This is where you'll find actual stories, and where you'll find the highest production value and most professional look. Remember that "plot" does not mean "romance." The plot is usually about a man or woman on a sexual journey, usually through a half-dozen partners. Hollywood can't even create a decent character arc, so don't expect it from Porn Valley. And remember that the plot exists only to explain the sex, and the explanations can be flimsy, if not downright ludicrous. On top of that, there are very few good actors in porn. And even if they have the acting chops, they don't have the time to rehearse. Most features are shot in a day or two. The performers get their scripts just before they go into the make-up chair. Don't expect too much from them. They're only human. If you're lucky, your feature will be done Vignette style. I love these. Each scene is an entity unto itself, and it may or may not be thematically linked to the others. You get the premise, but not the plot. Man goes in for a haircut, and gets fucked by female beautician. It takes place in a "salon," the guy's sitting in a barber's chair, and there's shampoo and hair-dryers lying about the place. The beautician starts running her fingers through his hair, then suddenly she's sucking his cock. Nice. Straight to the point--no fuss, no muss. Just pure, make-believe fantasy. The next vignette might feature a man visiting the ER for a cut on his forehead, only to be jumped by the horny nurse. Vignettes give you character and setting, without the lame-ass plots and even lamer dialogue.
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Gonzo -- WTF is that?
You're very likely to actually exclaim, "WTF?' when watching gonzo porn. Hunter S. Thompson defined gonzo journalism as the writer being an integral part of the story. In gonzo porn, the filmmaker is in the performers' faces, and in many cases, the stars acknowledge the camera. It has a stripped-down, no frills quality to it. Many times you'll see 5 different couples in 5 separate scenes, all taking place in the exact same room. It looks low budget on purpose. Gonzo porn is also referred to as "wall-to-wall" or "all-sex" porn. A lot of women don't watch this type because it looks cheesier than even regular porn, but I like a lot of it. Without the scripted dialogue, and without the formal set-ups of features, the performers are free to just have at each other. When the chemistry is right, you can see some pretty spectacular encounters.
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Gonzo Porn
Is that Selena Silver there on the cover of Size Queens #2? Well, yes it is! Here's a good example of a gonzo title. All scenes have one thing in common--girls taking really big cocks (in the ass, in Selena's case--bless her precious heart). They're all shot on the same day, in the same place, mostly with handheld digital cameras. No script or dialogue, but lots of dirty talk in an Aussie accent. ;-) |
This is one of my favorite images
This is my good friend Hal. I took this picture on his birthday. I think he likes to be in pictures. |
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